Elli – Blackinwhitefamily

Lucky

ENGLISH VERSION ONLY

TW: Mentions abuse

Being lucky should never apply to the absence of abuse.
Elli

I perceive myself lucky in moments in which something happens in my favor w/o any effort on my part. I consider myself lucky to have the friends I have, for example, because they chose to be friends w/ me and show up for me w/o any additional engagement on my part. I did not bribe them, or threaten them. I didn’t sweet-talk them or actively do anything to influence the outcome of our relationship. I was passive in their decision. The other way around, I gotta say, I do not consider myself lucky to have chosen my friends as people to be friends with and show up for – I consider myself intuitive for having given it a shot.

That said, I also perceive myself lucky to have five supporting and loving sisters and a family that welcomed me back after 19 years. However, I don’t feel lucky about being adopted or about how it all went down and played out in the end, even though others in my adoptive family would consider themselves lucky about that. That’s because different people can feel different things about the same thing. Another reason might also be that my adoption experience was different from the way my three year older sister experienced my adoption. But I would agree with most people who‘ve met me: Y‘all are lucky to have me in yr lives :D.

Most people consider adoptees lucky to have been adopted. I, personally, only consider adoptees lucky in regards to their adoption placement (!) when the family they got adopted into is:

Emotionally and physically safe

That does not apply to families in which there was no regard to the adoptee’s emotional needs and boundaries of any kind, and where abuse and/or negligence of any kind were normalized. I considered it lucky because it’s not the default. Most days that I talk to fellow adoptees, I shake my head and think to myself:

Can we please stop letting luck decide whether or not adoptees experience abuse in their adoptive homes and actually start putting in some effort that this doesn’t happen? Please?

When you plan a trip to the beach and turns out it’s gonna rain all day, you can positively say, “yupp, not my fault”. But abuse? Nope! Yes, we cannot control nature but we can control our behaviour. The weather is not our responsibility. But our behaviour sure is.

In a recent IG poll I asked fellow adoptees:

1. Would you say that your adoptive parents acknowledged your trauma (responses)?

100% of all participating adoptees denied that. I know that this is a systemic problem that doesn’t start w/ the adoptive parents. But I gotta ask: How do you take care of a child whose trauma you don’t even acknowledge? Adoptees are traumatized people. Yes, all adoptees even though trauma responses may differ. You cannot take care of a traumatized child the way you do of a non-traumatized child. This is especially important for all those who raise both, adopted and non-adopted children.

2. Would you say that you had support from your adoptive parents in healing from your original trauma (e.g. therapy).

This only applied to 24% of participating adoptees. Children cannot figure trauma out on their own. This is why so many adoptees start speaking up about their trauma as adults because a) for most of us the trauma happened pre-verbal and b) we only then were free to explore it and start to heal. CW: Suicide Adoptees are 4x more likely to commit suicide than non-adoptees. In the US there is a whole month dedicated to all the adoptees we lost either in suicide or at the hand of their adopters. Our adoptions are not minor incidents in our lives. Please, pay attention. If you’re a family member of an adoptee, make them feel seen, safe, and heard.

3. Would you say that you experienced physical, emotional, or mental abuse (e.g. Gaslighting, Spanking, Emotional Blackmailing) as a reaction to your trauma responses (e.g. crying, rage/anger)?

68% of the participating adoptees said that they experienced physical, emotional, or mental abuse in their adoptive homes as a reaction to their trauma responses.

I don’t have the words today to make a statement about the last question. But I got two things to say. 1. What really angers me about this is that these people will most likely never be held accountable for the harm and pain they’ve caused – no, instead they are even celebrated by society. 2. Shame on those who neglected to make an effort but rather relied on luck to come and do their jobs for them.

To all the adoptees who participated in this short survey and shared their experiences: Thank you very much for sharing and speaking up! I hear you and I see you. Let’s rest and heal.

I love us. ✨

Black womanhood and white fragility

ENGLISH VERSION ONLY

So I published this yesterday on IG and the message is so important to me that I want to share it here today too:

I started to unpack this earlier but here I come again. It’s hard for me to talk about my black womanhood because I now can see all the white violence that dedicated itself to disrupting that beautiful womanhood of mine. But this is important, so listen up (especially white mothers).

Yesterday I talked to y‘all about how your black/brown/Indigenous kids of colour in your homes are not the same as the white kids. This goes for the girls, too. If the feminist way in which you raise your daughters (and sons) is not intersectional it doesn’t mean anything. It’s white supremacy by a different name and that is violent.

White girls/women will not struggle because of their sex AND their race so they focus on their struggles on the basis of sex.

Black, indigenous and brown girls/women do not have that luxury. Our blackness precedes us. We do not have the luxury to hide behind racial privilege. We are not protected by our racial status nor our sex thus our struggle is different – our struggle is about both.

The problem within transracial families is that due to white fragility and its symptom to see all the people in this world “the same” white parents are not equipped to provide their black/brown/indigenous girls with the tools they need to be empowered and also conquer the kind of discrimination they’ll face due to their race and their sex. But they will provide their white girls with all the tools THEY need to thrive as women. It’s harmful. It’s white supremacy.

This forces black and brown girls to grow up faster and to fit the strong black woman stereotype because as children our white families taught us to deal with our race alone while giving us useless tools to conquer the discrimination they did not want to acknowledge.

I cannot focus on my womanhood without including my race because my racial status impacts the kind of womanhood I am living and feeling. I will never refer to myself only as a woman but always as a black woman because black is part of who I am.

And while I am proud of that I dearly struggle with my womanhood today because of the racial stigma it’s got.

I am talking about not being seen as feminine but masculine and therefore in no need of protection, love and support but also never being expected to be vulnerable or sensitive. I am talking about being seen as not good enough, not lovable enough and not precious enough and therefore being left with no protection or tools to love and protect myself as a woman. I am currently learning to do that and getting rid of that internalized misogynoir behavior and thoughts. I am moving in spaces where my black womanhood is celebrated and loved and worthy. And of course connecting to my awesome black and brown sisters.

Today no comments from white parents or white people in general. Also no comments from men with masculine Fragility. I will delete them. Also do not text or DM me with what you have to say – take the message home. I‘ll answer texts from my black and brown sisters, only.

I am inviting all my sisters to share their thoughts (in my DMs or the comment section) and I will delete any hate speech or misogynoir behavior.

Black, indigenous, and brown women of Colour: I Love Us. Periodt. ✨

Der Unterschied zwischen gleich und gleichberechtigt

ENGLISH VERSION BELOW

Alle Kinder in der transracial Familie gleich aufzuziehen, ist nicht das Ziel hier. Eigentlich ist es sogar schrecklich schädigend.
Elli

Heute nur ein kurzer Input: Der Unterschied zwischen “gleich” und “gleichberechtigt” ist, dass wenn wir Kinder aufziehen, als wären sie alle gleich, wir nicht auf ihre individuellen Bedürfnisse eingehen können, weil wir nicht ihre unterschiedlichen Realitäten sehen. Gleichberechtigt bedeutet, dass unsere Kinder in unseren Familien über ihre Unterschiede hinweg die gleiche Stellung, den gleichen Wert, die gleichen Rechte und die gleiche Wertschätzung genießen. Ein Schwarzes Mädchen in der Erziehung gleich zu behandeln, wie einen Weißen Jungen ist schädigend, denn das Schwarze Mädchen wird nicht die gleiche Lebensrealität haben, wie der Weiße Junge – das macht sie ungleich, aber nicht automatisch ungleichberechtigt in meinem Haus. Trotzdem können beide die gleiche Wertschätzung im Familienkreis erfahren – das (unter anderem) macht sie gleichberechtigt. Alle Kinder, trotz ihrer Unterschiede, zu behandeln als wären sie alle gleich, mit den gleichen Lebensrealitäten, Hürden, Freuden, Fähigkeiten etc. ist schädigend, wenn es darum geht, sie aufs Leben vorzubereiten, sie zu schützen, zu leiten und auch zu empowern, weil wir nicht sehen können, welche Instrumente wir ihnen in die Hand geben können, um in der Welt zurechtzukommen. Es führt auch dazu, dass sie bei uns keinen Safe Space genießen können, weil wir nicht anerkennen, dass ihre Leben unterschiedlich sind (Stichwort: Farbignoranz). Das führt dazu, dass wir unsensibel gegenüber ihren Bedürfnissen werden. Mein transsexuelles Schwarzes Kind lebt eine andere Intersektionalität von Diskriminierungen als mein cissexuelles Weißes Kind – und sie brauchen demnach unterschiedliche Formen des Empowerments. Woher will ich das wissen, wenn ich einfach sage: Sie sind beide Kinder und das ist alles, worum es geht? Kind ist nicht Kind. Kinder sind kein Schmelzkessel, sie nehmen Dinge unterschiedlich wahr, haben andere Bedürfnisse und müssen sich mit unterschiedlichen Schwierigkeiten auseinandersetzen. Das anzuerkennen, bedeutet nicht, dass meine Kinder in meinem Haushalt nicht gleichberechtigte Menschen sind, sondern einfach, dass sie nicht dieselben Menschen sind.

Außerdem: Gerade in transracial Familienkonstellation ist diese Annahme, dass Gleichheit und Gleichberechtigung dasselbe sind, oft mit White Fragilty-Symptomen verbunden und entstammt dem bedrückenden Fragility-Gefühl Weißer Menschen, Hautfarben anzuerkennen und zu thematisieren.

Familien: Do the work.

Bi_PoC: Ich liebe uns.

The difference between “same” and “equal”

Raising all the kids in the transracial family home the same is not the goal, here. Actually it’s crucially harmful.
Elli

Today just a brief input: The difference between “same” and “equal” is that when we raise kids the same we cannot see all their differences and so not meet their individual needs since we do not acknowledge their realities. “Equal” means that our kids – beyond their differences – share the same position, worth, rights and appreciation within our families. Raising a black girl the same as a white boy is harmful to the black girl because the two don’t share the same reality which makes them different – but not unequal. Nontheless both can experience the same kind/amount of appreciation in their families – which (partially) makes them equal. Treating all the kids the same with same realities, challenges, joy, abilities and such is harmful when it comes to preparing them for life, protecting them, guiding them and also empowering them because we cannot see what tools to give them to make it easier. It also leads to the circumstance that they don’t have a safe space with us because we do not acknowledge their differencies (keyword: color ignorance). This also leads to us being insensitive to their needs. My transsexual black child will live a different intersectionality of discrimination than my cissexual white child – and therefore they need different kinds of empowerment. How am I to know that if I just tell myself that they are the same and that’s all that matters. Child does not mean child. Children are not a monolith, they experience things differently, have different needs and have to deal with different kinds of difficulties in life. Acknowledging this does not mean that my kids are not equal in my household but that they are not the same persons.

Also: Especially in transracial families we find that the assumption that raising the kids the same is the same as raising them equal often has to do with white fragilty symptoms of white family members and is bound to their fragility-feeling not to acknowledge and discuss skin colors.

Families: Do the work.

Bi_PoC: I love us.

Es verfehlt den Sinn von transracial Adoptionen ein Bi_KoC zu adoptieren, um von vorn anzufangen

ENGLISH VERSION BELOW

Der Black History Month hat angefangen und ich hoffe, ihr informiert euch alle über die phänomenalen Errungenschaften Schwarzer Menschen in Deutschland und weltweit. Weltweit wird Schwarzer Historie nicht genug Aufmerksamkeit und Wertschätzung entgegengebracht und das findet sich in Transracial Adoptionen von Schwarzen Kindern wieder, wenn wir uns anschauen, wie transracial Adoptionen stattfinden und wie die Stories der Schwarzen Kinder und ihrer Vorfahren von Weißen Menschen erzählt werden. Es ist wahrscheinlich schon vorhersehbar, dass ich den Black History Month eng mit Transracial Familienkonstellationen verknüpfen werde. Ich werde heute eine Umfrage zur Wertschätzung Schwarzer Historie in Transracial Familien auf Instagram machen – klickt gern rein.

Wenn Weiße Elternteile Schwarze Kinder adoptieren, die eigentlich noch Babies sind, wird ihnen gern vermittelt, dass sie mit Babies ganz von vorne anfangen können, weil diese sich nicht erinnern können und noch keine verfestigte Persönlichkeit mitbringen. Schon mehrmals habe ich gesagt, dass auch adoptierte Babies eine Geschichte mitbringen, die wertgeschätzt und aufgegriffen werden muss. Nochmal von vorne anzufangen, bedeutet, dass auch die Geschichte, die das Schwarze Baby mitbringt, einfach gelöscht wird. Von vorne anzufangen, ist nicht das Ziel von transracial Adoptionen und Adoptionen im Allgemeinen: Leben werden weitergeführt, Geschichte wird weitergeschrieben. Schwarze Geschichte, Schwarze Familiengeschichte und Schwarze Perspektive auf diese Geschichte wird weitergeführt und weitergeschrieben. Was auch immer wir als Schwarze Adoptierte erleben, es wird Teil unserer Schwarzen Geschichte – genau wie transracial Adoption Teil Schwarzer Geschichte im Großen ist. Wir müssen mehr darüber reden, dass zur racial Identität eines Schwarzes Kindes auch gehört, sich mit (der eigenen) Schwarzen Geschichte auseinanderzusetzen. Ich werde unter anderem darauf im Rahmen des Black History Month eingehen. Denn (personal) black adoptee history matters.

Familien: Do the work.

Black folks: I love us.

It misses the point of transracial adoption to adopt a Bi_KoC to start over.

Black History Month started today and I hope y’all are going to educate yourselves on the phenomenal achievements of black people here and all over the world. Globally, the history of black folks is neither valued nor respected enough which we can also see in how transracial adoptions take place and later black children’s stories and their black families’s stories are told by white folks. It’s probably obvious that I will tie Black History Month and transracial family constellations together. Later today I’ll start a survey on IG on how the history of black folks has been acknowledged in transracial families – make sure to join us.

When white parents adopt black babies they are told that they get to start over with that baby because it does not remember or has not developed a steady personality yet. I said it several times: Babies bring their own story, too. That story has to be acknowledged and appreciated, too. To start over means to delete all the history there is and that’s not the goal or the point of transracial adoption or adoptions in general: Lives are being prolongued and so is a child’s (hi-)story. Black history, black family history and a black perspective on that history is being prolongued. Whatever we experience as black adoptees it’ll be part of our black history – so is transracial adoption. We have to talk more about how part of a child’s racial identity is to acknowledge their (personal) black history. This is one of many things I’ll be unpacking during Black History Month. Because (personal) black adoptee history matters.

Families: Do the work.

Black folks: I love us.

Die Grenzen von anderen bewusst zu überschreiten, ist eine Frage des Respekts

ENGLISH VERSION BELOW

Bi_PoC im Familienkreis nicht mit rassistischen Bezeichnungen anzusprechen oder diese in deren Beisein auszusprechen, ist keine Frage des Alters, der Klasse, des Bildungsstandes oder des Rassismusverständnisses, sondern eine Frage des Respekts
Elli

Wenn Menschen immer wieder bewusst Grenzen von anderen überschreiten, dann weil sie sich aufgrund einer Machtdynamik dazu berechtigt sehen. Weiße Familienmitglieder, die sich im Recht sehen, ihren Bi_PoC-Familienmitgliedern das N-Wort (N*ger), das I-Wort (Ind*aner) oder S-Wort (Schl*tzaugen) oder sonstige rassistische Bezeichnungen, mit denen sich die Bi_PoC unwohl fühlt, ins Gesicht zu sagen, rechtfertigen ihre respektlose Art oft mit ihrem Alter oder damit, dass sie über Rassismus nicht Bescheid wissen oder ihrer Klasse.

In Hautton, Race, Alter, Bildungsstand und Klasse setzen wir fest, welche Rechte Menschen gegenüber anderen Menschen haben und welches Verhalten sie an den Tag legen sollten. Halten wir fest, dass es beim Abbau von Rassismen und rassistischen Strukturen im Familienkreis nicht darum geht, das ganze System abzubauen, sondern eine gleichberechtigte und respektvolle Haltung gegenüber einander aufzubauen und zu wahren. Es geht hier unter anderem auch darum, die Grenzen von Bi_PoC zu respektieren und den Familienkreis nicht nach Weißen Grenzen auszurichten, denn das ist gewaltvoll gegenüber Bi_PoC. Das bedeutet, was wir entlernen und welche Arbeit wir machen, um das zu erreichen, befindet sich auf einer interpersonalen, individuellen Ebene. Wir sind in unseren Familienkreisen keine Institutionen, nicht der Staat oder Vertreter:innen des Globalen Nordens und Südens, sondern Menschen, individuelle Personen. Rassistische Bezeichnungen ablegen zu können, ist deshalb nicht daran geknüpft, ob wir Rassismus verstanden haben oder uns damit auseinandersetzen. Auch nicht an unseren Bildungsstand oder unser Alter. Jede Person kann lernen, das N-Wort nicht zu sagen und jede Person kann lernen, die Wünsche anderer zu respektieren.

Anstatt sich darauf zu konzentrieren, wieso Bi_PoC es so wichtig finden, nicht mit dem N-Wort, I-Wort oder S-Wort und weitere angesprochen zu werden und zu diskutieren, wieso mensch das Wort nicht sagen soll, sollte sich Weißes Familienmitglied wirklich lieber fragen, warum es ihnen so wichtig ist, das Wort zu sagen. Spoiler alert: “Ich habe das schon immer so gesagt” ist nichts, worauf mensch stolz sein sollte. Sich damit zu brüsten, dass mensch schon immer zur Dehumanisierung von Bi_PoC beigetragen hat, macht es nicht besser oder legitimer. Check your attitude, people!

Dass die Grenzen und Wünsche von Bi_PoC vor allem von Weißen Menschen nicht respektiert werden, basiert auf Rassismus, Dehumanisierung und Objektivierung von Bi_PoC. Erkennt die Menschlichkeit von Bi_PoC – auch wir haben Respekt verdient.

Familien: Do the work.

Bi_PoC: Ich liebe uns.

To constantly and consciously cross other people’s boundaries is a matter of respect

Not to call the Bi_PoC in your family racist names or mention them when they are around is not a matter of education, class, age or understanding racism but a matter of respect
Elli

When people constantly and consciously cross other people’s boundaries they do that because they feel entitled to do so due to a certain power dynamik. White family members who feel entitled to mention the N-word (N*gger), the I-Word (Ind*an) or the S-word (Sl*t eye) or any other racist term the Bi_PoC is not comfortable with often legitimize their respectless behavior with their age, their lack of knowledge when it comes to racism or their class.

Socially speaking, the rights and behavior of a person are determined by their skin color, race, age, education and class. But let’s state that when it comes to deconstructing racist behavior and structures in our homes it is not about deconstructing the whole system but about buidling equal and respectfull interactions between people in our homes. It’s also about respecting Bi_PoC’s boundaries and not setting white boundaries – because those are violent. This means that the things we unlearn and the work we do to ensure a healthier life style in our homes are on a interpersonal level. We are no institutions, states or diplomats of the Global North and South in our families but human beings, individuals. Unlearning racist terms is not bound to whether we understand racism and deal with it or not. It’s not bound to our education or age either. Everyone can learn not to say the N-word and everbody can learn to respect other people’s wishes.

Instead of focusing on why Bi_PoC insist on not being called the N-Word, I-Word , S-Word or any other racist slur and discussing why one but is entitled to do so anyway, white family members should ask themselves why it is that they insist on calling them racist names. Disclaimer: “I have always done it this way/said it like that” is not something you should be proud of. To brag with always having dehumanized Bi_PoC does not make it better or more acceptable. Check your attitude, people!

The fact that boundaries and wishes of Bi_PoC are not respected especially by white people is rooted in racism, dehumanization and objectifivation of Bi_PoC. Acknowledge the humanity in Bi_PoC – we, too, are deserving of respect.

Families: Do the work.

Bi_PoC: I love us.